I just want to be me again already. I want to get better and love myself like I did before. I feel so stuck that there’s always a strong ocean current holding me back from being in that happy place. I’m losing more and more strength to swim through alone.

my-twisted-fantasie:

beben-eleben:

There once was a young boy with a very bad temper. The boy’s father wanted to teach him a lesson, so he gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into their wooden fence.

On the first day of this lesson, the little boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. He was really mad!

Over the course of the next few weeks, the little boy began to control his temper, so the number of nails that were hammered into the fence dramatically decreased.

It wasn’t long before the little boy discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Then, the day finally came when the little boy didn’t lose his temper even once, and he became so proud of himself, he couldn’t wait to tell his father.

Pleased, his father suggested that he now pull out one nail for each day that he could hold his temper.

Several weeks went by and the day finally came when the young boy was able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

Very gently, the father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.

“You have done very well, my son,” he smiled, “but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.”

The little boy listened carefully as his father continued to speak.

“When you say things in anger, they leave permanent scars just like these. And no matter how many times you say you’re sorry, the wounds will still be there.”

(via

TumbleOn)

(via katheenguyen)

My internal roller coaster is tearing my heart apart. This isn’t even like the good kind of tugging on my heart strings. It’s like a boulder sitting on it, smashing it.

I’m an open book. I can talk about all my feelings, no big deal. So why can’t I just do this?

I realized that you will see completely different parts of my life depending on which social media you use to follow me. My twitter is probably the most unrelated but related at the same time because I post whatever is on my mind at a moment, good or bad. My Instagram is all fun things and cute things. My Facebook is usually me trolling people or posting about shows or things I think more people should see. And my tumblr is basically the ugly step child that I don’t really want to show the entire world, but the select few that have accepted it all these years. Things I say on my tumblr are usually during my most vulnerable moments and my posts definitely reflect that. So it’s not that I have this many different personalities. I just show a different side on each one.

During the Warriors game: *kisses me on the cheek* “You know how lucky I am to be with you?”

The little bit of reassurance that I’ve been waiting for.

My thoughts always get the best of me. Michael is being a grandpa and fell asleep by 9:30pm. Now I have nothing to do but get caught between my thoughts.

Rant.

I’m tired of being self conscious and insecure about myself. I’m tired of being in love and scared to say it. I’m tired of hurting, thinking about all the possibilities that could not go my way. I am terrified to find out that he doesn’t feel the same way, if that’s the case. I just have this constant gut feeling that this isn’t going both ways. I honestly feel like he shouldn’t settle for me. I’m going to be in school for a while and he’s long gone from it. I just don’t see how he could benefit from me, especially if he moves back home or gets relocated. I’m seriously so conflicted all the time because my heart just aches from the uncertainty of how he feels, and yet I’m over here just falling deeper and deeper with nothing to catch me. Not a moment goes by where I don’t want to just blurt out the words. But I can’t. Not like this. Not in a state of confusion. I want it to be a happy moment. A moment that won’t bring me down. My heart hurts right now. I need to stop, but I can’t. I just wish to know exactly what he thinks about me. I’m usually not afraid to ask anything. But with this… I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I can’t gather up the courage to bring it up. There isn’t anything that anyone else could say that would make me stop thinking like this… except him. But he won’t say anything. And I think it’s because he also doesn’t want to hurt me. Because he doesn’t feel the same way. *sigh* Being in love can hurt so much sometimes. Except for me, it’s all the time.

/endrant

(Source: peppermixed, via lucilleparmesan)

I just really need a hug right now.

I’m going with my gut. No more questioning myself, no more doubts. I feel it and I can’t deny it anymore. I just hope I’m not the only one.

I could have gone to a party tonight. I wanted to go to the party tonight. But I stayed home because I have work early morning. I didn’t want to be bored at home, though, so I asked Raf to get boba with me. We ended up talking for a long time and now my night is just about over. I honestly wouldn’t have traded this peaceful night with a close friend for that party with a bunch of inebriated strangers. That’s just not me. Sometimes that’s fun, but THIS is me. I enjoy expanding my brain, not letting it disintegrate.

Oh man, reading this felt better than reading my first acceptance letter into UCSD. Not many people knew I was struggling this much, but this was definitely a significant learning experience for me. I realized, through this process, exactly how important school is to me. Like I’ve written before, I’ve learned never to give up on the struggle. I was forced to drop the class I’ve been waiting to take since last year, but it’s okay. Everything happens at certain times for a reason and maybe I’m just not ready for that yet.

I am so relieved.