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My favorite part of every day is when I finally get to lay down with Michael and just converse before we fall asleep. On a scale of 1 to 10, the comfort level is at 500. I just love it!

11:16 am, BY lisaplvu

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Hola.

Hola.

09:57 am, BY lisaplvu[1 note]

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Why is it so easy to feel sad and pessimistic about life? I wish I knew how I lost my ability to be happy-go-lucky. Life really has just been getting me down. It’s like every time I have an opportunity for change or improvement, it’s conveniently unavailable even though it’s supposed to be there. I’ve been pushing forward, but really, when is it going to get better?

09:10 pm, BY lisaplvu[1 note]

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Is it terrible that it hurts my heart to see that my bf follows Instagram pages of women who post selfies with their large breasts and Instagram pages like asianhotpage? I don’t even know if I can call it jealousy. It’s more that I’ve become so self-conscious about my own breasts because of this. It’s that no matter how many times I say that he likes bigger breasts, he’ll say it doesn’t matter to him. It’s that he tries so hard to hide that fact that these are the women he likes to ogle. It’s that these pages make me physically compare myself to them and I revert to square zero of me accepting my own body. It’s that I don’t even feel right to bring this up to him because I’m not the type of person who would force him to stop looking if he’s only looking, because “it’s a guy thing,” and because I’M the insecure one. It’s that I always end up hating myself more whenever I see who he’s looking at because I know that it shouldn’t matter to me. I know that he loves me for who I am, not what my body type is. But damn, would I love to be what he could call “the full package.”

04:24 pm, BY lisaplvu[1 note]

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Michael wrote me a card while he was in Vietnam and it honestly made me incredibly happy that he took the time to sit down and write a heartfelt letter like that. He wrote that when he saw the card at a street vendor, he immediately thought of me because it was simple on the outside, yet beautiful on the inside. The card is red with a very simplified outline of a ferris wheel in white and when the card is opened up, a colorful ferris wheel pops up from the page and reveals the most delicate pieces strung together into a 3D masterpiece. I just love it! I love that of all the different ways he could understand me and think of me, this is how he does. You can’t let go of a man who knows how to appreciate everything that you have to offer, whether you have a lot or a little.

11:37 am, BY lisaplvu[2 notes]

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Hello, it’s been a long while since I’ve posted here. I haven’t really had much to say for the past few months that seem worthy of documentation. Nevertheless, this past year has been a grueling year of change. It’s been a year of utter desolation, a year of lost friendships, and a year of releasing my prior ambitions. It’s been rough. In fact, I’ve had countless wake-up calls this year and all the time to reflect on them. But despite every harrowing experience, I’ve left them all to the past. I luckily overcame my depression. I fought my way back into school and found a major where I can continue to flourish. I went on my first cruise and traveled to a place I’ve never been. I realized who my true friends are. I’ve developed this mentality of keeping all of my doors and windows open to any possibilities that my future holds. I have changed this year. Some may say it was for the worst and others may say for the best. But either way they see it, at least I’ve adapted to my own life. I know that this next year is not going to be any easier. There are so many things to achieve in so little time, but I’m ready. This is the time to be brighter and better, to prove to myself that I’ve made the right choices. I have the next twelve months to prove that I’m worth it. Here we go…

Hello, it’s been a long while since I’ve posted here. I haven’t really had much to say for the past few months that seem worthy of documentation. Nevertheless, this past year has been a grueling year of change. It’s been a year of utter desolation, a year of lost friendships, and a year of releasing my prior ambitions. It’s been rough. In fact, I’ve had countless wake-up calls this year and all the time to reflect on them. But despite every harrowing experience, I’ve left them all to the past. I luckily overcame my depression. I fought my way back into school and found a major where I can continue to flourish. I went on my first cruise and traveled to a place I’ve never been. I realized who my true friends are. I’ve developed this mentality of keeping all of my doors and windows open to any possibilities that my future holds. I have changed this year. Some may say it was for the worst and others may say for the best. But either way they see it, at least I’ve adapted to my own life. I know that this next year is not going to be any easier. There are so many things to achieve in so little time, but I’m ready. This is the time to be brighter and better, to prove to myself that I’ve made the right choices. I have the next twelve months to prove that I’m worth it. Here we go…

11:49 pm, BY lisaplvu[6 notes]

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I dropped Michael off to the airport about an hour ago and now I’m home alone, feeling kinda sad. And no, I’m not sad because he’ll be gone for the weekend. I’ll sure miss him like I already do, but that’s not the reason. During the drive there, he mentioned a Breaking Bad episode he watched today where two planes crashed together and then said, “knock on wood.” And I told him that I don’t even know what I would do if that happened and I’d probably be the last person to find out. And then I just kept thinking, “I wish I could just tell him I love him before he goes on his flight, just in case something does happen.” But it would be too awkward and embarrassing if I were to say it. I just really wish I could. I’m okay with him wanting to move slow, but damn, it sucks when you can’t tell someone that you love them. I always have to be strong for myself and I always have to make sacrifices and compromises at my expense, and this is what I choose to do. But why do I feel so wrong and greedy when I just want a little love and a little sign of commitment? I want to be with him, but I fear that none of this will be worth it in the end because he’ll never commit until he’s established himself. I thought I was okay with this whole “living in the moment” type of thing, but who am I kidding? I’m someone who is always thinking ahead and is not afraid of commitment when I see fit. I don’t want to scare him away, and yet I feel like he might scare me away first. I don’t know if I can handle another full year passing by without him giving me some reassurance that he sees a future with me. Is that too much to ask? I feel pathetic.

09:50 pm, BY lisaplvu[6 notes]

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So he doesn’t, but that’s okay because at least now I know for sure. I hated questioning and wondering, and although it wasn’t the dream come true answer, it was the best answer. It was the honest answer, and that’s all that matters to me. I do feel a weight lifted off of me where I can just do my thing and stop worrying about how he feels. For now, it’s about helping each other reach our individual goals and if the future brings us closer then I will welcome it wholeheartedly. But I really am okay and I really am happy that we talked about it so that I can move on from how I’ve been feeling all this time. I don’t need him to love me as long as he cares about me in his own meaning. We’re immensely different when it comes to affection and I’m still trying to understand him more and more. We all need to make changes, improve, and accommodate, and I am no exception. I have always been the type of person to carefully date guys who I can see having a longterm relationship with or even as far as marriage. That’s just how I am. But this relationship has definitely been interesting and taxing in a good way. It’s shown me that time is precious in so many different ways and this is the time in our early twenties when it doesn’t have to be about marriage. It can be about setting a foundation. There is never one way to do anything and this way will take some getting used to, but I’m willing to keep going on this journey with him.

11:37 am, BY lisaplvu[1 note]

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It’s Saturday night and all I want to do right now is apply to jobs and research schooling options. I feel so motivated! I feel like myself again! I can’t even begin to conjure up the words to explain what it’s like to lose yourself to something unknown. Well, I think I found what that something was. I was on a certain birth control for the past seven months and this period of time was pretty much when everything seemed uncontrollable. I had no idea that the birth control was even a factor, so I was basically fighting a battle against the wrong nemesis. All this time, I thought it was myself. But luckily, this idea sparked in my mind and I decided to take myself off that birth control in hope that it could’ve been the cause. A month and a half later, I’m feeling, not good as new, but good as old… and I couldn’t be happier. I feel in control. I feel aware. I feel strong. I feel driven. I feel present.

The moral of this story is: avoid hormonal birth control. AND don’t give up. There’s always a solution that you may not notice immediately.

09:59 pm, BY lisaplvu

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Is this what a positive turn feels like?

08:29 am, BY lisaplvu

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I recorded this retake of an old video for Michael and then I thought, “hey, I might as well put it on my tumblr to add a little bit of positivity.”

08:02 pm, BY lisaplvu[5 notes]

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"Nothing haunts us more than the things we don’t say."
I don’t think I’ve ever posted a photo of my tattoo on here before, but I think about it all the time and how it so closely relates to my life. Although I’m a very open person, I hold more words in than you’d expect. And as of lately, these words have been haunting me to the point of taking over my mind, my heart, my confidence, and my well-being. Some day soon, I will release everything that’s been bottled up. Somehow.

"Nothing haunts us more than the things we don’t say."

I don’t think I’ve ever posted a photo of my tattoo on here before, but I think about it all the time and how it so closely relates to my life. Although I’m a very open person, I hold more words in than you’d expect. And as of lately, these words have been haunting me to the point of taking over my mind, my heart, my confidence, and my well-being. Some day soon, I will release everything that’s been bottled up. Somehow.

10:41 am, BY lisaplvu[3 notes]