I’m going with my gut. No more questioning myself, no more doubts. I feel it and I can’t deny it anymore. I just hope I’m not the only one.

I could have gone to a party tonight. I wanted to go to the party tonight. But I stayed home because I have work early morning. I didn’t want to be bored at home, though, so I asked Raf to get boba with me. We ended up talking for a long time and now my night is just about over. I honestly wouldn’t have traded this peaceful night with a close friend for that party with a bunch of inebriated strangers. That’s just not me. Sometimes that’s fun, but THIS is me. I enjoy expanding my brain, not letting it disintegrate.

Oh man, reading this felt better than reading my first acceptance letter into UCSD. Not many people knew I was struggling this much, but this was definitely a significant learning experience for me. I realized, through this process, exactly how important school is to me. Like I’ve written before, I’ve learned never to give up on the struggle. I was forced to drop the class I’ve been waiting to take since last year, but it’s okay. Everything happens at certain times for a reason and maybe I’m just not ready for that yet.

I am so relieved.

“Nothing haunts us more than the things we don’t say.”

This couldn’t be more relevant to my life than it is right now. There are just so many thoughts bottled up in my mind because, if said out loud, these thoughts that would alter my life in a way that I’d rather not bear. I’m tired of doing this to myself but I would rather do this than worsen the situation. I feel foolish for letting my mind run marathons about something like this, but the endorphins have kicked in and it’s simply unstoppable. It’s a race to see which part of me prevails: the part that wants to speak up or the part that doesn’t want to change. I bought a new journal today so that I can see my thoughts more than just projecting them in my mind. It’s probably annoying to have to read these on my blog and not know what I’m talking about. I just think I’m going through something that can’t be explained with words. You’d have to feel what my heart is feeling. It’s not a joy ride, what it’s doing to me.

So I don’t usually post about my personal life in detail anymore, but I figure it’s about time my blog gets a taste of myself again. I’m pretty much going to ramble, as usual, because well… I haven’t had much of a writer’s flow lately. I lost it somewhere in all the multiple choice exams and calculus problems, I guess. Let me just begin by saying that my life is always nowhere near perfect. I have never had every aspect of my life on the positive side of the spectrum all at once, let alone multiple aspects. Probably the only part of my life that genuinely keeps me happy are the company I keep and the company that keeps me. My family has always been broken, but my friends honestly keep me sane, despite the dramas that we’ve had in the past. And don’t even get me started on me having the most perfect boyfriend ever. I realized tonight that it is pretty much impossible to one-up him on anything, especially surprises. He took me to Bali Hai on Shelter Island tonight, where they had a Restaurant Week deal. It was so fancy and romantic! I would typically hate this type of gesture if a guy was trying to win me over, but this guy has already won me over long ago, so it’s completely acceptable haha. During dinner, he quoted, “It’s better to be poor and alone than to be rich and not have anyone to spend your money with.” So he said that he’s not poor and is happy to have me to enjoy it with. It’s the little things he does and says to me that make me so smitten. I don’t know if I’m in love quite yet, but he definitely has a place in my heart. I can’t wait to see where my life goes within the next few months. Anyway, I must rest before my early shift in the morning. ‘Til next time (probably a long time)!

So I’ve allowed myself to take a step forward and commit to someone who I enjoy spending time with everyday, someone who is always challenging me to try new things and improve myself, someone who has accepted every part of me (weirdness, stubbornness, insecurities, and all), someone who shares the same values as mine, someone who shows me more reasons everyday for why I’m worth it and he’s worth it, someone who makes me laugh, someone who opens my eyes to who I’ve become and who I want to be. We both don’t know where this will go, but we decided it’s time to find out. Feels kind of weird to be in a relationship again, to be honest haha I’ll get over that, though, because I’m happy (:

You are a plant. Your surroundings make up your pot. The bigger the pot, the more opportunities you have to expand your mind. The smaller the pot, the more hindered you will be in growing into something beautiful. Don’t hinder yourself. Explore, learn, travel, meet people. The world is your pot so live in it, grow in it.

Honesty is a beautiful thing. If you’ve got it, don’t let it go.

I love the people in my life who put a halt on my world. I just let it keep spinning and spinning, but they show me how to stop for a bit and enjoy their company. I appreciate life more because of them and I appreciate them for sharing those moments with me. 

Just like your food, your life should be bursting with flavor.

I love that I can still talk to Josh about anything and know that there’s no residual feelings. I’m glad that our friendship means a lot to both of us.